I’ve been thinking for hours about your last words. I know I do poor job of controling my words and being just a friend. It’s really hard for me to hold back, you make me feel so many things. I have never asked for more than what you are willing to give, I’ve never tried to fight what you tell me, and I always loved you in an unconditional way. Maybe I am thinking too much about this, but the words that hurt the most, the words that are going to haunt me for a while are “even though you are my best friend you don’t know how to be my friend.” Those words just burned through me. It hurt because I know in someways it was true and in some ways it’s not. It hurt because I put nothing in front of you, and I know you will say that my world shouldn’t resolve around you. Unfortunately you will always be the bright star in my sky. Your love will always feel like home. I only have one set of eyes and I only know one way to look at you. There have been days I try to control it, and it just feels unnatural, it doesn’t feel right. Why can’t you just let me be me, why can’t just let me love you the only way I know. Because of this I feel you have never truly had a chance to know me, or see who I really am. It’s exhausting being who you tell me you want me to be, and not who I know I need to be. Life is simplier and makes more sense when I can just be me. Please stop trying to understand, or define. I don’t know how or why, but I know everything will work out and be as it should if you just stop trying to define me. You don’t need to respond, I prefer you take sometime to try to prcess what I am saying. Do this for me I promise to be the friend you need.

Love,

J